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To live in the moment requires healing our memories. Until we become willing to shine the Light of Love into every corner of our being, we remain hostage to our history. Baggage we carry from the past plays an important role in shaping the way we experience the present. What we reject in ourselves resurfaces again and again in many different guises. Until we have a firm foundation of Self- Love, we are not able to truly love others or gain the peace that comes with surrender. As long as we believe we are unworthy, we continue to hurt and be hurt.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
Socrates
As much as we might like to forget our mistakes, they cannot be buried. Energy locked in unaccepted shame and guilt manifests as doubt, greed, turmoil, frustration, and grandiosity. This energy creates a strong resonance, attracting that which is like itself and bringing suffering to ourselves and those around us. Until we change our beliefs, old patterns continue to play themselves out, even in new situations
Engaging in thoughts or actions that violate our values is tantamount to doing violence to ourselves. Unloving actions taken to satisfy selfish desires do not align with our Heart and what we know to be honorable. Typically, we handle this inconsistency by blocking our awareness of the Heart, by burying our true feelings. We end up numb, lacking in intensity, devoid of any true feeling. Only by increasing our awareness of who we are do we find our way out of this guilt-ridden consciousness. We must get in touch with our feelings if we want to find our way out of the web of suffering we have created for ourselves.
He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.
Lao Tzu
The parts of ourselves we cannot acknowledge, we see in others and perceive as threatening. When we are not true to our Self, we cannot trust the caring that comes our way, for we feel such caring is based on an image we only wish were so. Until our relationships are based on honesty, our need for approval undermines our ability to know Love. As long as our actions are based on fear, we do not find peace.
Denial of that which is painful keeps us in bondage to that from which we yearn to be free. Our falseness is as hard to acknowledge as the shameful secrets we conceal. The discrepancy between our sense of Self as a being with purpose whose essence is Love is difficult to reconcile with the knowledge of the hurt we have caused. When we remember our selfishness and insensitivity, we feel uncomfortable. Current situations replay events we find painful to remember.
The fear that we are unworthy leads to the belief that wrongs can only be righted through punishment. Under fear’s influence, loneliness mushrooms into abandonment. Setbacks bring forth anger and depression. We sabotage our success, torment ourselves with abusive thoughts, or enter into unhealthy relationships where others become the vehicles for self-punishment. Sometimes we lash out at others, hurting ourselves by hurting them. As if seeking to escape divine retribution, we punish ourselves, often relentlessly.
Guilt only works if you let it.
Anonymous
A guilty conscience becomes the means by which we seek to purify ourselves of our misdeeds. We judge someone who hurts others as a bad person. We, on the other hand, want to be good people, and we prove that to ourselves by the pain we suffer when we contemplate our mistakes. At some irrational level of mind, we try to establish our goodness by suffering over what we consider our badness.
Conscience is a tool used by many of us to enable our suffering and sense of misfortune. Conscience is nothing more than a trick played on us by our ego as it attempts to force on us beliefs and opinions programmed by others. This conditioning is insidious, usually starting when we are young, impressionable children and continuing through our adult life. By becoming aware of the true nature of conscience, we can become free of it. Our responsibility grows as we drop conscience and develop the inner emptiness that is consciousness. Consciousness is awareness beyond conscience.
In order to transcend the mind, we must experience genuine self-esteem. This may seem peculiar, because we often associate the word egocentric with an inflated view of ourselves. In truth, the mind expresses itself through both self-praise and self-blame. Labels, whatever the precise words used, are always a trick played by the mind. Freedom comes when we let go of all labels and love ourselves exactly as we are.
Again and again in the course of this process, we see how the mind turns everything we know upside down. The mind uses guilt, shame, blame, denial, and punishment to establish itself as being in control. In reality, these are manifestations of our fear that we are unworthy. In order to get to the Truth about who we really are, we must face up to fear. To tear down the mask of illusion, we must be honest about what we have done and about where our true self-interest lies.
Rigorous honesty demands courage. Our minds are expert at justification, and we struggle mightily to place that which we do in a context that excuses it. We deny those things which are unloving or unfair. When we are uncomfortable with ourselves, we seek ways to restore our image in our own minds.
Courage is letting go of our belief systems; not clinging to the past. It is making ourselves available to the present.
Anonymous
The ego would convince us that the end justifies the means, that we were provoked, that someone else was responsible, or that the person we hurt was somehow deserving of unkindness. We use stereotypes that put people in the context of objects so we need not face the reality of their pain. There were many times when we have been insensitive to the feelings of others, times when the force of our anger or desire outweighed all other considerations.
Cheating on exams and insurance claims has almost become expected behavior. In today’s society, profits are typically seen as more important than people. The standards of the world are often unloving, and we sometimes give in to the temptation to lower our own standards in order to get what we think we want. We are tempted to tell ourselves that we have no choice, that everyone else does it. We may go along with the crowd in deference to those whose approval we seek. Sometimes we act out of rebellion, reacting against what we perceive as control, losing a bit of ourselves in the process.
As we integrate the ideas in these Steps, we find that our values undergo a change. As we reframe our view of life to include a spiritual perspective, we see our past actions in a different light. What seemed excusable, and perhaps even necessary from a self-centered point of view, may no longer be consistent with the vision we now hold. We realize that resistance to looking at these aspects of ourselves does not bring peace. As we join in the Benestrophe movement, we experience a desire for a new beginning.
We desire change, yet the prospect of releasing the energy locked up in the shadow side of our consciousness can be terrifying to ego, which above all wants to look good. We may try to convince ourselves that this Step is unnecessary, that it is focusing unduly on the negative. We identify ourselves as kind and loving people, and it takes courage to admit that in spite of what we know about Love, we often think and act in ways that are less than loving.
The Truth is never negative.
The Buddha
Only when we openly and honestly confront ourselves can we know the peace that comes from living in alignment with our highest values. Our understanding of the futility of denial and self-loathing brings us to the realization that the only way for us to find inner peace is through a courageous inventory of the ways in which we have blocked Love. We must commit to taking this inventory now.
The purpose of this inventory is correction, not chastisement. To move from denial of imperfections to self- condemnation is no movement at all. Honesty requires a certain detachment. We must be willing to take responsibility for our responses to Life, and we must be willing to forgive ourselves. To judge oneself is no different than to judge another. Beating ourselves up over past mistakes only serves to make us miserable, and when we feel badly about ourselves, we bring unhappiness to those around us.
The word sin was originally associated with archery-its meaning was to miss the mark. Part of Life’s Perfection is that we learn through our errors. Even as we admit our shortcomings and experience the pain of viewing these episodes from the perspective of our present state of consciousness, we humbly acknowledge that mistakes are our teachers. When we learn to look at our human frailties with patience and compassion, we become better able to see ourselves in others and to see others in ourselves. As we approach the totality of our lives with honesty, we express the energy of unconditional Love, which heals our lives and allows deep and lasting change to occur. When we learn from our errors, we invest them with purpose. As we weed guilt from the garden of our lives, we grow.
Taking an inventory of our lives is a challenging job. If we attempt to do it in our heads, the mind maneuvers us into dishonesty without our being aware of it. We must be willing to look boldly at all aspects of ourselves and feel whatever comes up. This is not a mental exercise, but a deep plumbing of our depths. To approach this Step superficially does not work.
Notice the difference between what happens when a man says to himself, I have failed three times and what happens when he says l am a failure.
Deepak Chopra
Our minds are adept at denial and rationalization. How often have we approached Truth only to convince ourselves otherwise later? How often have we come to an understanding of some principle, only to have it recede into forgetfulness? When we write our inventory, our efforts are there in black and white for us to look at over and over until we have learned the lessons this process holds for us.
If our examination is searching, we may be shocked to discover the extent to which our denial system has hidden Reality from us. As our minds acknowledge the facts about our lives, knots of contracted energy are released. Denial numbs us, and the intensity of this process is at times painful. Take deep breaths during this process, relaxing during the exhale. We are giving birth to ourselves.
The mind is not monolithic. It does not speak to us in one voice, but rather in a committee of voices, all representing parts of ourselves. Through working on this inventory, we become familiar with the different voices that speak to us through our minds. There are parent voices, child voices, angry voices, irrational voices, judgmental voices, and voices urging us to escape. There are voices that whisper common sense and voices that scream for rebellion. Listening to the dialogue of these voices and noting their widely-differing points of view brings many great insights into the way we have made our life’s choices.
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around us in awareness.
Stephen Levine
We find that things we resist committing to paper are among the most important to look at. The voice that tells us something is unimportant, that we have already come to terms with it, or that it isn’t an issue for us is quite often the voice of our denial. This most insidious of voices is the one that urges us to sweep things under the rug, to gloss over incidents, to forget. Self-examination is not always easy, but the alternative is a life of denial and in-authenticity.
When we sit down to take our inventory, we need paper, pencils, and at least a few hours of quiet, uninterrupted time. We may want to begin with a quiet meditation to center ourselves. Since the inventory covers incidents from Childhood to the present time, we may not be able to complete the entire process in one sitting. After our first session, we may have a sense of how much time we need to complete the inventory. We would be wise to set a formal schedule or make a commitment to finish by a certain date. We gain power through completion.
Because of the highly personal nature of this inventory, we find a safe place to store it. We always treat this process with the respect and reverence it deserves.
We begin with a simple listing of all the ways we have missed the mark. We include all attitudes and actions that trigger feelings of regret, remorse, embarrassment, discomfort, or which we recognize as unjust or unloving. We may use the following list of categories to help us organize our inventory: anger, greed, guilt, violence, judgment, abuse of power, abuse of trust, stealing, dishonesty, unkindness, insensitivity, gossip, pride, grandiosity, arrogance, irresponsibility, dependency, cowardice, jealousy, laziness, insincerity, hypocrisy, gluttony, waste, habits and addictions, self-pity, lack of respect, hatred, prejudice, regret, and blame.
Interestingly enough, it’s the sense of unworthiness which maintains ego.
Stephen Levine
By using these categories in an order that is relevant to us, we list the instances in our lives in which we were unloving. By putting each of the words above at the top of a page, we can note the particulars pertinent to our own experience.
Many people organize the inventory chronologically. Others prefer to first exhaust one category then move on to another. Some simply allow memories to flow forth in whatever order they will. We need not go into detail, but we should be specific. It is not enough to say, I have stolen, I have gossiped, I have been judgmental, etc. Abetter example of inventory items would be I stole my sister’s necklace; I overheard my boss fighting with his wife, and I laughed and joked about this with co-workers; I feel superior to my friend because he still eats meat.
When we finish, it is important to see if anything remains that causes us guilt, shame, anger, or regret. We may experience guilt and shame for actions which did not, in fact, violate our own values, but which conflicted with the desires of parents or significant others in our lives. We may feel guilty over abandoning the church of our childhood, not being as affluent as our spouse wishes, or not following in our parent’s footsteps. These items show us the degree to which we are giving our power to others.
Many of us carry feelings of guilt over things we had no control over. Survivors of war or disasters that claimed other lives sometimes feel guilty simply for surviving. The inability to prevent a tragedy or attempts to help that did not succeed can leave us tormented by painful memories that play over and over in our minds.
When our children suffer, our parents divorce, or we experience greater success than a friend, we can feel guilty. We can feel guilt and shame over incidents of poor judgment or for actions that carried consequences we did not foresee-actions that may have been undertaken with the best of intentions.
For some of us, guilt and shame stem from current attitudes we cling to in spite of ourselves. Perhaps we harbor secret feelings of superiority, attachment to junk food, or judgments that run counter to our public image. All such things are appropriately included in our inventories.
While we tend to think of denials of Love in terms of how they affect others, we must not forget to consider how our actions hurt us. We must acknowledge anger turned inward, as well as anger directed toward other people. Failure to respect ourselves is as significant as failure to respect others. Self-betrayal is as important to acknowledge as betrayal of those who trusted us.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And, whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata
As we do the work of self-examination, we see that our human frailties are manifestations of our addiction to approval and control, distorted attempts to experience ourselves as lovable. As we review our shortcomings, we see that each item is reflective of a lack of Self-Love and Self-Trust. We find that in every instance, fear was at the root of our unloving behavior, and the person we hurt most was ourselves. Although our list may appear to be about things we have done that hurt others, it is we, ourselves, who bear the brunt of the suffering. Step Four, which may initially strike us as depressing, is soon revealed as an exciting Step toward Unity, Freedom, and Bliss.
Taking Step Four is critical to this Twelve Step process. When the Fourth Step inventory is done in a searching and courageous manner, we establish a new relationship with ourselves. We should remember: this is our inventory. This process is about getting honest, not about our penmanship, writing style, or grammar. What others would think of our inventory or the way we have written it is of no consequence.
This may be the most important writing we ever do. It is an excursion into our thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Although this process may be painful, it is an important part of clearing away the debris that stands between us and our potential for expressing the highest and best within us. Step Four is an opportunity for us to learn from our mistakes and open to Love’s healing power-the beginning of a process that removes the liens of the past so we may own our present moment free and clear.
How many times have you tried to shield yourself by reading the newspaper, watching television, or just spacing out? That is the $64,000 question: how much have you connected with yourself at all in your whole life?
Chogyam Trungpa
The point of our self-evaluation is to look at the burdens of guilt and shame we carry within us. Since we attack others as a means of avoiding our own painful reality, guilt and shame are often bound up with hurt and resentment. Facing the source of these distressing emotions can be the most difficult part of facing ourselves. But we work this process courageously. We remember that strength lies in defenselessness.
Our written inventories are tools with which to mine the depths of the self. Anger, grief, sadness, fear, and remorse are likely to come up as we come face to face with parts of ourselves we have kept hidden from awareness. The reason we buried certain aspects of our experience in the first place was our unwillingness to experience painful feelings. Emotion is energy moving through our bodies. When we block it with denial, we become ill-spiritually, mentally, and physically. When we allow it without drama or judgment, we come alive, and the rifts of separation within ourselves begin to heal. If we begin to feel depressed or anxious, we breathe deeply, allowing the feelings of this moment to flow freely. We are beginning a process that will heal these painful memories.
As we work the Fourth Step, we have an opportunity to get in touch with the priorities in our lives. The unloving actions we have taken were reflections of what was important to us at the time. We put material acquisition ahead of Love, and we suffered. We put saving face ahead of honesty, and we suffered. We gossiped, labelled, and judged in order to feel superior, but instead, we felt small. We won at another’s expense, but the joy we expected was tainted.
As we take this inventory, we discover the high price we have paid for dishonesty. As we cut through layers of denial, we begin to feel lighter, stronger, and more alive. Only when we face ourselves squarely do we reap the reward of true Self-esteem.
Truth is the way that aligns our lives with Love. In this Fourth Step, we tell the Truth. Once we do, the Truth will set us free.
The only thing permanent about our behavior patterns is our belief that they are so.
Moshe Feldenkrais
Love is our focus because only Love is real. Our cars will one day end up in a junk yard, our wardrobes will go out of style, our wealth will pass to others; but the wisdom we gain and the Love we find inside us are ours to keep forever. Through this self-examination, we affirm that in spite of appearances, Love is what we are.
What are some of the qualities you are glad you have?
Share about the impact that carrying around guilt and shame has had on your personal life.
What are some of the kind things you have done in your lifetime?
What question did you ask yourself most often as a child?
Tell about a time when you found it particularly rewarding to be honest.
Share about how taking responsibility for something you did in the past has brought you freedom in the present.
Describe something you did that you regret.
Mistakes are teachers rather than failures. Give an example from your own experience in which you discovered this fact.
Talk about the value of putting your inventory in writing.
What did you learn from your inventory? What surprised you?
What time period was the happiest in your life?
Share about the unloving things you have done to others. How do they reflect a lack of Self-Love?
Describe a time when you acted with integrity.
What is one of the most difficult things you have had to do in your life?
When have you acted courageously? When have you acted cowardly?
Share a secret about something you have done that others might find surprising.
Describe a situation when your silence had a better result than if you had spoken.
What have you learned about yourself as a result of your inventory?
Coming from your own experience, how would you define courage?
Share about how taking the Fourth Step has changed your life.
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